spark and foam
Did you know that there are more than 1,997,600 styles of key chain? There aren’t, probably, as I just made up that number to illustrate the vast extent of my search for the Perfect Key Ring for my new(ish) car.
The search has brought me to strange and wonderful places. I have seen things you can’t imagine: key rings featuring all of the major Catholic saints in varying stress inducing poses; professional sports team logos; puffs of indeterminate fuzz; explosions of glittery thread and beads; leathercraft of varying skill; the enameled emblem hermes birkin green lizard replica
of the wild Camaro. None of them persuaded me to click the Add To Cart button.
Cloudy had an excellent suggestion, but I have been unable to find a key ring spelling out the C word in pink rhinestones. (Note to self: I have just had a great idea for a home business. details to follow.)
And you know, here is where I confess that I am lying. I did find the right key ring. Here, I’ll show you a picture: (See illustration.)It even has a name. Carmen. As in, Please allow me to introduce you to my key ring, Carmen. Do you see the world of possibilities that has been opened? I found Carmen at the highly practical and utilitarian Herms, a website so whimsical as to induce instant cavorting through daffodil studded lawns, wearing a giant garden party hat. Whee! That is the official noise of Herms (which, because we are not motherfucking Philistines, we are pronouncing correctly, comme les gens franais, air mez).
Sadly for me (Violet), this Carmen of which I write costs one hundred and eighty dollars. I wrote it out in letters, rather than numbers, to emphasize the magnitude of the offense. To be fair, this one hundred and eighty dollar key ring is manufactured by the premier leather goods firm of the world, but I am having difficulty justifying spending more on a key ring than it costs to buy a tire. (This represents a step up for me, I will add. Yes, I am bragging on myself just a little, but I feel it is deserved.)
In case you are wondering why I am devoting any space at all to a one hundred and eighty dollar key ring that is essentially a leather pasty, let me explain that once the Keelhauler reads this, I will not be able to secretly buy Carmen and then lie about the price. In this way do I exercise a form of self control. Feel free to use it for yourselves!
And, in case you are still wondering why I am devoting space to this key ring issue, I will remind you that I devote space to idiotic issues all the time. Anyone who doesn’t like it doesn’t get to ride in my new car with me and Carmen.